Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
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thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
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I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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