Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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