Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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