you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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