oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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