Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
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