so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
