yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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