so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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