he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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