hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
did you just send me my own nude
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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