Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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