Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
