Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
