The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
