I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
