I can text with my tongue
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
