nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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