I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
