so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
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What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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