You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
