hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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