Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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