im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Is her dick bigger than yours?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
