I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
