So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
