mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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