It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
