he shaved USA in his pubs
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
