the condom got lost in my hair
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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