So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
