So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
