The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
