im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
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How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
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And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Come on in and take your pants off
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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