Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
