if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
