Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
