There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
