I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize