everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
farters have to be the big spoon...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
