Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
