Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
