In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
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Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
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Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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