You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
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i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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