so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
