if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
