Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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