Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Couch. On fire.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
