all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
