Screwed.edu
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
