he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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