You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
